So anyone who knows me, knows of my insatiable need to be right. It's a drug, I'm addicted, whatcha gonna do? Thankfully because I'm so awesome I tend to be right a lot. Seriously high percentage over here. No joke, I have documentation and everything. So it is with much chagrin and a little bitterness that I admit here once and for all that it's possible I may not be 100% exactly right in this one isolated instance.
As it turns out Dr. Hitler (he of the 1500 calories a day diet) may have been on to something. I've been safely under 1500 calories for the past few days now. When you combine that with the exercise I've been getting from attempting to turn our backyard into a patio, you actually get results. Damn it all! I went to this guy looking for a bottle of happiness and instead I get a diet of pain, suffering, and weight loss. Actual weight loss. Like a pound a day at my current clip.
I guess it's too much to ask for that I continue to lose a pound a day for the next 40 days and get to my goal weight so I can eat a friggin' cheeseburger? *sigh* It's not like I mind scarfing down lettuce like a crack-induced 240-lb rabbit. I mean, who doesn't right? But at some point I'm going to need a pizza. Not a "slice", not some pretend tofu, diet veggie shit on a disc. A pizza. A whole, entire pizza cut up into slices that all end up in my mouth. A pizza covered in cheese and sauce and cheese and possibly the carcass of a dead animal. We're not quite there yet, but at some point we will be. And when that day comes my friends, you would be wise to not be in my way.
Weight when I started- 245ish
Weight as of this morning- 238
Calories consumed today- 1380
Shocked FatMen- 1
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Who knew?
So amazingly I've managed to stay at or under 1500 calories for three straight days now. (pause for my standing ovation) I really should just end my post right there because that's a pretty mammoth statement coming from someone who's roughly the size of a mammoth.
Now some people will say that I'm only managing to stay under my Nazi-approved calorie count because I'm not counting my 2 cups of coffee in the morning. And to those people, I would like to instruct you to fornicate vigorously with your own person. *paints face blue and hops on a horse* This diet may take away my doughnuts and cake.... but they'll never take.... MY CAFFEINE!!!! *cut to wide angle shot of thousands of men in kilts rejoicing at my words*
Naturally the universe continues to challenge me. During these last two days I've been attending teacher trainings and the #1 rule that all trainers must abide by is: "Thou shalt hand out much chocolately goodness to keep your audience from falling asleep and/or rioting." And I have to hand it to my trainers, they brought the chocolate thunder. Today a box of peanut butter M&M's sat on my desk and taunted me for 3 full hours. Inside that cardboard fortress lay dozens of peanut butter balls ever so moist, so sweet, so lovely. Every one tenderly covered with a candy shell. A delicious protector of the precious peanut butter that eagerly waits to be eaten underneath.
I may or may not have an erection right now but I can't be the only one that gets horny thinking about peanut butter M&M's right? RIGHT??!!??
Now some people will say that I'm only managing to stay under my Nazi-approved calorie count because I'm not counting my 2 cups of coffee in the morning. And to those people, I would like to instruct you to fornicate vigorously with your own person. *paints face blue and hops on a horse* This diet may take away my doughnuts and cake.... but they'll never take.... MY CAFFEINE!!!! *cut to wide angle shot of thousands of men in kilts rejoicing at my words*
Naturally the universe continues to challenge me. During these last two days I've been attending teacher trainings and the #1 rule that all trainers must abide by is: "Thou shalt hand out much chocolately goodness to keep your audience from falling asleep and/or rioting." And I have to hand it to my trainers, they brought the chocolate thunder. Today a box of peanut butter M&M's sat on my desk and taunted me for 3 full hours. Inside that cardboard fortress lay dozens of peanut butter balls ever so moist, so sweet, so lovely. Every one tenderly covered with a candy shell. A delicious protector of the precious peanut butter that eagerly waits to be eaten underneath.
I may or may not have an erection right now but I can't be the only one that gets horny thinking about peanut butter M&M's right? RIGHT??!!??
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Day 2: And here... we.... go.
One of the joys of being a teacher (stop laughing, there are joys... no really) are the occasional free meals you receive. Naturally since today was our first day back from summer break, my school rolled out a breakfast spread of epic proportions. We're talking muffins, eggs, home fries, sausage, and the most glorious breakfast food ever invented... bacon. In the past I would have made that buffet my bitch. I would have left it whimpering and begging for the sweet release of death. But the new me? The 1500-calorie-a-day me? He just sat there and watched others enjoy the sweet, sweet taste of breakfast awesomeness. Not going to lie... I died a little inside this morning.
The good news here is that since I'm officially back to school now I'll be more on a routine and theoretically more likely to stick to this diet. Plus I'm running around decorating my classroom instead of planting my fat ass on the couch. Double plus Kristin and I have been granted permission to build our patio so after school today we started the long process of digging out the space that we'll be using. A couple of weeks of that and I damn well better be thin.
So now it's the end of Day 2 and believe it or not according to My Fitness Pal I'm at 1419 calories today. Sure I'm grumpy. Sure I'm willing to chew on a real live cow right now. Sure I feel like Anne Frank, chronicling my painful experiences for future generations (what... too soon?). It'll all pay off down the road. Or at least it better, or I'm going to hunt my doctor down, kill him, deep fry him and eat him with a side order of hash browns.
The good news here is that since I'm officially back to school now I'll be more on a routine and theoretically more likely to stick to this diet. Plus I'm running around decorating my classroom instead of planting my fat ass on the couch. Double plus Kristin and I have been granted permission to build our patio so after school today we started the long process of digging out the space that we'll be using. A couple of weeks of that and I damn well better be thin.
So now it's the end of Day 2 and believe it or not according to My Fitness Pal I'm at 1419 calories today. Sure I'm grumpy. Sure I'm willing to chew on a real live cow right now. Sure I feel like Anne Frank, chronicling my painful experiences for future generations (what... too soon?). It'll all pay off down the road. Or at least it better, or I'm going to hunt my doctor down, kill him, deep fry him and eat him with a side order of hash browns.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Hello again
Oh boy, another blog. I know, I know, anyone who stumbles upon this thing is probably already bored but bear with me here. I'm well aware that blogging is not exactly the most current form of expression out there, but considering my fashion sense is typically 10 years behind the times, it makes sense that my technological sense follows suit.
The impetus behind this blog? My never ending quest to become less fat than I currently am. Why now? Good question. Probably because today can be described as the first day of my new diet and exercise plan. Oh sure I exercise. Hell I currently have memberships to two different gyms, one of which I actually use. It's the dieting portion of the equation that's been somewhat... um... lacking? For instance, most diets allow you 1 day a week to go crazy and eat whatever you want as a way of keeping your metabolism on its toes. My diet allowed 3-4 of those days a week depending on mood and the fortunes of whatever team I was following that season. Not exactly a recipe for success. In fact in the first 5 months of my old plan I dropped 7 pounds. Better than nothing, but not by much. Especially when I have to lose enough weight to make a new 6-year old.
What started this recent desire to do something was my recent visit to the doctor. After getting blood work done (always a joy), I met with him this morning to go over the results. As a tride and true lazy person my first hope was that I simply had a 50 pound tumor in my stomach and that simple surgery would render me skinny. No dice. Beyond that I was hopeful that my cholesterol level would be stupid high and the doctor would be forced to prescribe some amazing wonder drug that would melt the fat off my body. Strike two. My last resort was that possibly I was born without a thyroid or that it had packed its bags and fled in the middle of the night, and I would qualify for some radical medication that would skinny me up real quick. Well son of a bitch if my thyroid isn't working properly! In fact it turns out I'm actually perfectly healthy except for the extra 50-60 pounds I'm carrying. Perfectly healthy! The nerve of my body to work properly like that. So naturally since I'm all systems go, my doctors prescription for losing weight? Diet and exercise. Shit! Are you serious? No surgery, no magic pills, nothing except diet and friggin' exercise. Thank God we have Obamacare now so everyone in America can have access to medical wisdom like this. What the hell good is a doctor if he doesn't hand out good drugs? Throw the FatMan a bone dude!
So as of today I've been put on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet. To keep me on the straight and narrow I've now officially joined the My Fitness Pal website which several people have recommended. It really is quite the easy way to track everything, so now I present to you... the blog-following public... my Day 1 numbers:
Current Weight: 245
Goal Weight: 200
Total Calories Allowed: 1500
Total Calories Consumed: 2142.... crapsticks! Off to a bit of a rough start here.
The impetus behind this blog? My never ending quest to become less fat than I currently am. Why now? Good question. Probably because today can be described as the first day of my new diet and exercise plan. Oh sure I exercise. Hell I currently have memberships to two different gyms, one of which I actually use. It's the dieting portion of the equation that's been somewhat... um... lacking? For instance, most diets allow you 1 day a week to go crazy and eat whatever you want as a way of keeping your metabolism on its toes. My diet allowed 3-4 of those days a week depending on mood and the fortunes of whatever team I was following that season. Not exactly a recipe for success. In fact in the first 5 months of my old plan I dropped 7 pounds. Better than nothing, but not by much. Especially when I have to lose enough weight to make a new 6-year old.
What started this recent desire to do something was my recent visit to the doctor. After getting blood work done (always a joy), I met with him this morning to go over the results. As a tride and true lazy person my first hope was that I simply had a 50 pound tumor in my stomach and that simple surgery would render me skinny. No dice. Beyond that I was hopeful that my cholesterol level would be stupid high and the doctor would be forced to prescribe some amazing wonder drug that would melt the fat off my body. Strike two. My last resort was that possibly I was born without a thyroid or that it had packed its bags and fled in the middle of the night, and I would qualify for some radical medication that would skinny me up real quick. Well son of a bitch if my thyroid isn't working properly! In fact it turns out I'm actually perfectly healthy except for the extra 50-60 pounds I'm carrying. Perfectly healthy! The nerve of my body to work properly like that. So naturally since I'm all systems go, my doctors prescription for losing weight? Diet and exercise. Shit! Are you serious? No surgery, no magic pills, nothing except diet and friggin' exercise. Thank God we have Obamacare now so everyone in America can have access to medical wisdom like this. What the hell good is a doctor if he doesn't hand out good drugs? Throw the FatMan a bone dude!
So as of today I've been put on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet. To keep me on the straight and narrow I've now officially joined the My Fitness Pal website which several people have recommended. It really is quite the easy way to track everything, so now I present to you... the blog-following public... my Day 1 numbers:
Current Weight: 245
Goal Weight: 200
Total Calories Allowed: 1500
Total Calories Consumed: 2142.... crapsticks! Off to a bit of a rough start here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)