Halloween on a diet sucks deep fried donkey balls.
Watching your children devour little pieces of candy is a torture worse than waterboarding.
If it wasn't for my pumpkin spice coffee creamer, there'd be big trouble in River City.
Next hurdle to overcome: Thanksgiving.
Shoot me in the damn face with a bazooka.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Boldly Going
Captains Log: Stardate 4815162342
My fat-ass and I have been continuing our never ending mission to explore uncharted areas of dieting. To reach out to foods that won't make me blow up like a balloon. To boldly go where this FatMan has never gone before.
I am happy to report that over the course of our trek we have bypassed the 2XL planets, skimmed beyond the XL galaxy and recently entered the L-system... where I had visited only once before. A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I once ventured deep into the L-system during a period known as "engagement" which eventually led to a brief layover on the planet Vegas. Ah, Vegas... I remember it well but that is a story for another entry into the log.
Anyway... once "engagement" turned to "marriage" I started drifting from the L-system and soon found it impossible to return. I meandered the universe stopping off briefly at places like the Buffett constellation, the Burger Belt and the rarely discussed doughnut-rings of Jupiter.
Now finally I have returned to where I had been so many many years ago and I am happy to report that we are nearing an undiscovered country. The locals here call it the "200-Pound Barrier". I am told that many wonders await me on the other side of that barrier, and if I close my eyes and think hard enough... I feel as though I've been there before. Many, many moons ago.
I look forward to filling my log with the stories of all the exciting things that await me on the other side. Wish me luck.
Rode out.
My fat-ass and I have been continuing our never ending mission to explore uncharted areas of dieting. To reach out to foods that won't make me blow up like a balloon. To boldly go where this FatMan has never gone before.
I am happy to report that over the course of our trek we have bypassed the 2XL planets, skimmed beyond the XL galaxy and recently entered the L-system... where I had visited only once before. A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I once ventured deep into the L-system during a period known as "engagement" which eventually led to a brief layover on the planet Vegas. Ah, Vegas... I remember it well but that is a story for another entry into the log.
Anyway... once "engagement" turned to "marriage" I started drifting from the L-system and soon found it impossible to return. I meandered the universe stopping off briefly at places like the Buffett constellation, the Burger Belt and the rarely discussed doughnut-rings of Jupiter.
Now finally I have returned to where I had been so many many years ago and I am happy to report that we are nearing an undiscovered country. The locals here call it the "200-Pound Barrier". I am told that many wonders await me on the other side of that barrier, and if I close my eyes and think hard enough... I feel as though I've been there before. Many, many moons ago.
I look forward to filling my log with the stories of all the exciting things that await me on the other side. Wish me luck.
Rode out.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Quick Hits
Since it's been a while since my last post, and I don't have anything major to say I thought I'd give you lovely readers a couple of quick thoughts that nicely sum up the last few weeks:
* Eating dinner at McDonalds and staying under your calorie goal for the day should be an Olympic event. As I sadly slumped out of the restaurant, it would have been nice to hear some applause... the National Anthem playing in the background... maybe a German and a Canadian on either side of me.
*Since this whole thing began back in February I've now lost 44 pounds. That is the equivalent of my 6-year old son. I have lost a 6-year old... and I still have to lose my 4-year old daughter to reach goal weight. Crapsticks!
*Today during our teacher duty day a local church brought in some breakfast. I deftly maneuvered around the danish. I danced gracefully past the almond ring. I slid silently past the bagels. The banana nut muffin however kicked me right in the nuts while I wasn't looking. I was powerless to stop it. Thankfully the muffin rang up at only 200 calories so I think I'm OK.
*Also during my duty day I had a meeting with some administrators who brought a box of Dunkin Donuts. There I was eating my guilt-riddled banana nut muffin, and a box of light, fluffy Dunkin Donuts was mere feet from me. I couldn't even look at the box because if there happened to be a maple-glazed donut in there, I might have exploded like Pacino at the end of Scarface. I'm a fragile man folks.
* Eating dinner at McDonalds and staying under your calorie goal for the day should be an Olympic event. As I sadly slumped out of the restaurant, it would have been nice to hear some applause... the National Anthem playing in the background... maybe a German and a Canadian on either side of me.
*Since this whole thing began back in February I've now lost 44 pounds. That is the equivalent of my 6-year old son. I have lost a 6-year old... and I still have to lose my 4-year old daughter to reach goal weight. Crapsticks!
*Today during our teacher duty day a local church brought in some breakfast. I deftly maneuvered around the danish. I danced gracefully past the almond ring. I slid silently past the bagels. The banana nut muffin however kicked me right in the nuts while I wasn't looking. I was powerless to stop it. Thankfully the muffin rang up at only 200 calories so I think I'm OK.
*Also during my duty day I had a meeting with some administrators who brought a box of Dunkin Donuts. There I was eating my guilt-riddled banana nut muffin, and a box of light, fluffy Dunkin Donuts was mere feet from me. I couldn't even look at the box because if there happened to be a maple-glazed donut in there, I might have exploded like Pacino at the end of Scarface. I'm a fragile man folks.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The Great Salad Myth
Our new Sunday routine involves Church with the extended family, followed by lunch somewhere. Since I've started this Death Diet, eating out has become about as enjoyable as proctology exams. I'm surrounded by people eating all the fun stuff while I order rabbit food and a side order of suffering. Today we decided on Jason's Deli which I've long been a fan of because they have a kick-ass salad bar. Yes, despite my penchant for deep-fried goodness, I'm a sucker for a good salad bar.
Today I realized why this is not a good thing.
I started off with lettuce, which is standard operating procedure and very low cal. A few grape tomatoes and onions and we're off to a good start. This is where things went sideways quickly. I instinctively reach for the shredded cheese. Nope. Feta cheese. Nada. Croutons. Not so much. Bacon bits... oddly enough, bacon bits are OK. Olives... kinda high in calories but at this point I was already so distraught over the cheese and croutons that I needed a few pick-me-up olives to stop me from stabbing myself with the salad fork. Then we get to the dressing. The fact that I had to select Lite Ranch didn't bother me, it was the fact that I could only use one ladle of it instead of smothering my salad in creamy goodness like I'm used to.
I had such high hopes going into this lunch and by the time it was all over, there I was eating rabbit food again. As it turns out my penchant for salads has not been kind to my waistline lo these many years. In fact last week at Taco Bell I almost made the mistake of ordering a salad before I realized I would have been better off ordering 15 tacos. Taco Bell's "healthy" salads? Roughly the same caloric intake as a whopper (and way less fun to eat).
Salad, you backstabbing bastard... why have you forsaken me?
Today I realized why this is not a good thing.
I started off with lettuce, which is standard operating procedure and very low cal. A few grape tomatoes and onions and we're off to a good start. This is where things went sideways quickly. I instinctively reach for the shredded cheese. Nope. Feta cheese. Nada. Croutons. Not so much. Bacon bits... oddly enough, bacon bits are OK. Olives... kinda high in calories but at this point I was already so distraught over the cheese and croutons that I needed a few pick-me-up olives to stop me from stabbing myself with the salad fork. Then we get to the dressing. The fact that I had to select Lite Ranch didn't bother me, it was the fact that I could only use one ladle of it instead of smothering my salad in creamy goodness like I'm used to.
I had such high hopes going into this lunch and by the time it was all over, there I was eating rabbit food again. As it turns out my penchant for salads has not been kind to my waistline lo these many years. In fact last week at Taco Bell I almost made the mistake of ordering a salad before I realized I would have been better off ordering 15 tacos. Taco Bell's "healthy" salads? Roughly the same caloric intake as a whopper (and way less fun to eat).
Salad, you backstabbing bastard... why have you forsaken me?
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