B(S)MI

OK, I think I have successfully made it through the dark times of craving things and the Fat God's have rewarded me by getting me off the plateau I was on. Big time. Since last week I'm down another 5 pounds after a couple weeks of holding steady. This, of course, is great news because it brings me 5 pounds closer to my goal weight, which I will celebrate by eating the world's largest burger, thus starting this whole process over again. Que sera sera.

After recording my weight loss this morning I decided I could use a good laugh so I activated the BMI Calculator on MyFitnessPal. For those not "in the know", BMI stands for Body Mass Index. Ideally, you type in your age, weight, sex and height and it spits out a number. That number measures whether you're underweight, perfect, overweight or obese. In reality however, the people that invented the BMI statistic are a bunch of celery-crunching hippies who hug trees, smoke pot and still think it's cool to own a VW microbus. They are also a bunch of dumb, stupid crazy jerk-faces..... so there.

The BMI chart is so completely out of whack with reality, that at first I thought it was invented with some dark, Lord Voldemort type shit. This morning is the perfect example: Back in March I totally agree that I was obese. Beyond fat. Extra super fat ass. Boldly going where no FatMan has gone before. Since then I have now lost 35 pounds (yay me!) but according to BMI I'm still obese. WTF? In fact it turns out I have to lose another 5 pounds before I can officially be classified as "overweight". Yes you read that correctly, I have not begun to be fat! I'm actually busting my ass on this diet just so I can call myself fat.

In case you're wondering, once I attain "fatness", I would then have to lose another 35 pounds to be considered normal by those skinny freaks. My "target weight" is anywhere from 180 pounds to 132 pounds, which may be the most unreachable number since Joe DiMaggio hit in 56 straight games. Seriously folks, I have body parts that weigh 132 pounds... I'll let the ladies guess which ones.

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week. Try the veal! (But don't eat a lot of it or you'll never reach your ideal BMI!)