Differences

OK, so good news first. By losing another pound (finally) I have officially been downgraded from obese to simply overweight. That's right... I can now proudly call myself just plain old fat. When you think about it, it's a rather sad state of affairs when I'm supposed to celebrate being "merely fat". It's like being downgraded from a Category 5 hurricane to a Category 3. Sure the storm may not go down in history, but it's still going to f@$ up your house.

So three cheers for the fat guy. Whoopee hot shit.

This weekend is my son's birthday and as is tradition he got to pick dinner tonight. He picked Chili's. 3 months ago this would have been a blessing. I'd like to think that when fat people die, the heaven they end up in is like Chili's. 2-for-1 margaritas, big-ass burgers and all the food that a fattie loves. However, I am a man on a diet. A soul-sucking, suicide-inducing diet that turns a joyous trip to Chili's into a hour-long session of Cambodian prison-level torture.

Let's start with the menu. The "low-cal" portion of the menu leaves plenty to be desired. I settled on the 6 oz. sirloin that comes with a metric ton of steamed broccoli (it's steamed to guarantee any semblance of taste is completely wiped out). A 6 oz. sirloin. Frankly I didn't think steak came that small. When it arrived it might have been the most depressing piece of charred cow I'd ever laid eyes on. I've crapped bigger than my steak. *sigh*

My kids, oblivious to my plight, order macaroni and cheese and a cheeseburger, both of which look positively delicious next to my turd-meat.In the old days I would finish my meal AND finish whatever they left behind. This time I was merely a hapless bystander as the majority of their dinners went uneaten. *double sigh*

Just when I think the night can't get any worse, the wait staff does their birthday song shtick for my son and deliver unto him the molten chocolate cake. For the unaware, it's a chocolate cake in the shape of a volcano. Inside there's a puddle of warm chocolate goo, and sitting on the top is a big ol' scoop of ice cream. It's one of the 7 wonders of the dessert world. This isn't just a food item, it's a freaking achievement. Naturally my kids pick at it for a couple minutes, eat most of the ice cream and leave the majority of the cake. The moist delicious warm cake is now sitting in a pool of recently melted ice cream (which as we all know is a fantastic combination). And it's just sitting at me. Staring. Begging me to eat it. It was the saddest piece of volcano cake I'd ever seen in my life. As the waitress cleared the table I damn near cried. That cake was my Juliet and I was it's Romeo. Star-crossed lovers destined to never be together.

Shoot me now.