Good news gang! It's becoming easier for me to stay under that 1500 calorie mark every day. No seriously... today I think I ended around 1250. The bad news? I want to shove a whole pizza down my face right now and bask in the glory of sauce all over my face. Oh wait, there's more bad news! I'm not really... oh how do you say it again.... LOSING WEIGHT! Yeah, you would think my body would be rapidly running through its vast stores of fat considering the way I've been leaving the tank empty these past few weeks. Nope. Apparently my body is perfectly content to be both fat and hungry at the same time.
There's really not much more to blog about here, but as long as I've already started this post I might as well rant (be honest, that's what you read this thing for anyway). OK, here goes. People offering words of encouragement need to understand the type of encouragement that fat people want to hear. Here is a brief list of things you should NOT say to a fat man on a diet:
1.) "Ya know, pretty soon you won't even have those cravings anymore."- This is a vicious lie mixed with a healthy dose of bullshit. Of course I'm going to have those cravings! Back in the good old days of eating hamburgers, guess what my body said it wanted? More hamburgers! Now that I've cut off that beef-on-a-bun pipeline, not only does my body crave the burger... it n-e-e-d-s the burger. It wants the burger. It wants to put on sexy lingerie and leave a trail of rose petals for the burger, hoping that the burger will follow those rose petals into the bedroom, where my body can then make sweet, sweet love to the burger. OK, that went to a weird place just now but I'm serious. I'm not fat because I made a few wacky choices one day. I love my food. Italians don't eat to live like some of you heartless hippies out there. We live to eat. It's fun, it's awesome, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So you can sprinkle whatever crap ass appetite suppressant you want over your food. Your stomach may think it's full, but the brain (and the heart) may override the system and say "What the hell, 3 more slices of pepperoni please!"
2.) "This isn't just a diet, it's a new way of life"- Holy fucking monkeys you have got to be joking me. If this is my new way of life I think I'll swing by my local gun store and Cobain my way out of this Greek tragedy. Assuming I continue to lose weight (and at this point, that's a pretty big assumption), I can talk myself into this hell-on-wheels for a couple months but if you think I'm going to do this on a permanent basis then you are either delusional or I really need the number of your weed dealer. Actually, weed makes you hungry... scratch that thought. Here's the dirty little secret that fat people have a hard time admitting: On the list of things worth living for, food is safely in the Top 5. And to be honest, after family and friends (generally 1-2 in some order) food is probably #3 for me. The skinny people who read this have no idea what I'm talking about, but my fatties are all nodding in agreement.
Good food, and I mean really good food, is like a girlfriend you keep breaking up with. 6 months go by, you think you've gotten her out of your system then you see her at a club and she looks amazing. You rationalize every one of her annoying little habits as you pound drinks. You talk, you catch up and by your 4th margarita you're convinced that this time it's going to be different. "Moderation" you tell yourself. That's the key baby! Just take it nice and easy and this time things are going to work out. So you jump back into bed with her, have a weekend of mind-bending sex, and two weeks later she's moving back in. Fast forward 6 weeks and she's packing her bags in the midst of yet another screaming match and you wonder (like a schmuck) how things ended up like this, and you vow to never (and I mean NEVER) go through this shit again (and this time... I mean it!). Vicious cycle people... vicious cycle. Where was I... oh yeah.
3.) "One way to curb hunger is to drink lots of water."- Yes, and one way to get you to stop talking is to put my fist through your skull but I don't think it's the most effective way of getting the job done. I understand that water is calorie free and necessary for hydration and all that, but using it to stop me from being hungry? Bitch please. Do you know what water tastes like? It tastes like f-ing water! Who in their right mind goes to the fridge and thinks "Yeah, I really have my tasters up for some chocolate cake, but I'll just drink a big glass of water instead." INSTEAD? You're using water as a substitute for chocolate cake?!? Does your brain take the short bus to Special Olympics camp or something? Because if I tried to fool my brain into thinking that water was a big ol' slice of cake, it would activate the sensation of me getting kicked in the balls by a mountain goat until I gave it cake. And believe it or not, people actually do this. Then again, people also vote democrat and watch Jersey Shore so I guess nothing should be a surprise to me anymore.
So next time you see a fat person on a diet, instead of offering up one of these limp platitudes, try instead to console us through these dark times. Treat us like you would someone who's dying of terminal cancer... with a pat on the back and one of those meaningful "We're with ya buddy." looks. Because going on a diet is a lot like having a terminal illness... except not really because those people can eat whatever the fuck they want. Because... you know... they'll be dead soon and all. Just sayin'.... silver lining and all.
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