Temptation

I say this with all due respect to the woman I married... but I think my wife is trying to kill me. Saturday she pulled off her most evil scheme yet. I'm fairly sure that while she was planning it she twisted her handlebar mustache in one hand while laughing manically. I don't have proof, but in my head that's how it would have looked.

Saturday we had errands to run. 1st on the list: get Dave to the chiropractor. This whole being on my feet all day thing plus the building of the patio has taken a toll on what's left of my back. Her idea was simple: get up early, get my back cracked, then we can all go out for breakfast. Eating out is not the easiest thing for me these days but I figured I could handle it. Her recommendation: Dunkin Donuts.

OK, now she's just fucking with me.

Of course once the words escaped her lips and traveled into the ear canals of my darling children, there was no going back. So there I was, walking through the front door of the home of dozens of delicious bits of fat, lard and dough. They were all laid out in their pretty little racks right behind the counter. It was food porn. I would've felt less tempted in a strip club. Maybe we can eat breakfast at one of those next week. I approach the counter and I hear "And what would you like sir?"

Foolish question, mortal.

What I would like and what I'm about to order are two very different things indeed. Because at that moment I would have liked to shove a dozen anythings all over my face. Boston creme, Bavarian creme, jelly filled, and God help you all if there were any maple glazed donuts back there. I would punch a family member in the face for a maple glazed donut. I had to keep my eyes on the menu above me because staring directly at that many donuts in my condition could lead to blindness and possible death for anyone who gets in my way. I finally found something that I could order: A turkey sausage and egg white flatbread sandwich, with a side of bitterness and a big frosty mug of Please Kill Me Now.

My wife, who I love dearly (no seriously), orders the exact same thing (see, she's trying to be supportive), but then adds a side order of hash browns. Right in front of my face. Hash browns. Nature's most perfect combination of the potato and the deepest darkest grease containers any man could hope for. Now it's my personal opinion that McDonald's is home to the greatest hash browns this universe has ever produced, but Dunkin Donuts is safely in the top 5. And there my wife was, eating them in front of me. I really wanted to make out with her just so I could perhaps taste just a bit of the awesomeness for myself.

Later that evening I was pretty sure I had recovered emotionally from the breakfast experience. That's when my wife told me they just opened a Texas Roadhouse in Ft. Myers. If you've never been there before, then you have no idea why this information made me giddy and depressed all at once. They serve the largest most amazing steaks there. And rolls. Soft delicious rolls that you don't even need to chew. And do you know what you put on those rolls? Cinnamon butter. Yeah, I said it... cinnamon butter bitches! I first experienced this restaurant in Maine and haven't seen one since. The last time I ate there I ordered a 22 oz. steak (I have witnesses). Now my dear darling wife is letting me know there's one right down the road from me.

Told ya... she's trying to kill me.