Stress

You know this diet has really sucked most of the fun out of eating, but when you're losing close to a pound a day, it's hard to argue much. The last few days however the weight-loss train has stalled and started even rolling backwards a bit. WTF people? How can you ever gain weight while eating meals that would only satisfy supermodels and Ethiopians? The answer, as it turns out, is frustrating and stupid.

OK, let's try to follow this logic: If you eat too much food, you gain weight and get fat. We all know this. If you eat too little food, your body shuts down, goes into starvation mood and you (wait for it) GAIN WEIGHT. What sort of magical voodoo bullshit is this? One of these days when I've shuffled off this mortal coil and I meet my maker, you can bet your sweet candy-ass that this will be Question 1. But wait, the stupidity doesn't end there.

When you workout or do anything exercise-ish, your heart rate increases, you sweat, you breathe deeper, and your muscles tighten more than usual. This is considered good for your body and will lead to weight loss. When you are stressed out your heart rate increases, you sweat, you breathe deeper, and your muscles tighten more than usual. This, however, is NOT good for your body and will lead to (you guessed it) weight gain. Are you f-ing kidding me? This has got to be some sick joke that Mr. Divine Creator slapped together on one of his off days. Turns out when you're stressed your body produces cortisol which does all sorts of wonderful things to your body including keeping you from losing weight.

So I have to eat less, but not too much less... and I need my body to feel all the side effects of being stressed without actually BEING stressed. All of this while I try to survive the first week of school, build a patio, and shepherd my children through their first week of kindergarten and VPK respectively. You can think whatever you want about God and his creation skills, but I think it's clear that his biological engineering skills suck big time.